Oh, Lola.

So yesterday was seriously AMAZING. --> look at my twilight books up there :)

I spent the entire day with my Lola. She has been so stressed out from taking care of her brother who has Dementia and hasn't been able to ju

st go out and enjoy herself so we went and had lunch and then to the mall.

She made me freaking cry at Applebees. We were ta

lking about my grandma and past memories, and then she brought up how blessed we all are to have Ava around. I told her that Ava really makes us see how life and death go hand in hand. My Lolo or "Papa" was fortunate enough to hang in there until Ava arrived and he absolu

tely adored her.

It makes me tear up, you know, still thinking about ho

w much I kept to myself and blocked out my entire family the first three months I was pregnant. I wasn't going to have her. I was "talked" into that by him, you may as well call it the devil. I was too young, and wasn't ready. I could hardly take care of myself, I was too selfish to care for a baby. I knew if I told my family they'd completely disown me. That hurts, that thought. I was just confused. I didn't know what to do.

 I had nobody to confide in, my girlfriends told me it was best to not have her because he was a monster and I'd be by myself. But I had known that in whatever I chose to do it woul

d just be ME.  And weird thing is. We scheduled to not have her three times. EVERY SINGLE TIME, something happened and we never went through with it. I had nightmares, and after that third time, I knew it was God's plan to just balls out and do it. My uncle was the first I told. And he said exactly what I wanted to hear. Regardless he'd b

e there in whatever I chose to do. Mom came second. And because of her christianity she told me you reap what you sow and from here on out your obligation is to that baby in your stomach. I didn't tell my Dads side of the fam. I just didn

't want to hurt my grandparents on my dads side. They had so much faith in me and I was supposed to be the baby that went to a good college and become a doctor. My grandpa was at stage 4 lung cancer and hanging on to the few strings he had left, and it just broke my heart at the thought of dropping this bomb on him in his condition. 

God, I'm crying as I write this because that is how I KNOW I have a REAL family that loves unconditionally. At lunch my Lola started pouring tears and I just looked at her like whats wrong? And she said: " I feel horrible to this day. To think that when your Dad had told me you were pregnant and that you were four months pregnan

t and that you were scared to tell us. Why? You prob

ably were so alone and scared. I never ever ever want you to feel that, and for months you felt that and I had no idea. I wanted to hug you and hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. Your grandpa was so hurt. You made the right choice honey, for all of us, we needed her to keep

 our spirits up, and I am so happy and blessed that she is r

unning around."

Yeah, that sure as hell made me start crying. We looked like weenies, but it felt so good to know that my family has always had my back.  I miss my Papa so much. Its funny coz I still know when hes around. Especially if I'm driving home REALLY LATE. The street lights dim down instantaneously when my eye meets them, and that 

is not a coincidence because it always happens to JUST 

ME. 

I'll always remember the last thing he said to me the la

st lunch we had together. He was kind of losing it  because the cancer had spread to his brain, but after I finished cutting up his pasta for him he looked at me and said, "Lang, you look happy, for once in a very very long time. Dont let anybody change that. I've never seen you this happy. Always stay with you, don't be with anybody."

My Lola told me the story of how she met my grandpa. It was the cutest thing ever. They got married TWO MONTHS after they met eachother. Their story is epic. From like a movie. They were both in the military and she said he watched her everyday. Then finally he asked to play tennis with her and she agreed. He followed her around like a lovesick puppy and she had no interest in him, and then one day they just did it. Heres how their proposal went:

Papa: Will you marry me betty?

Lola: I'll think about it.

hahahahaha, that is hilarious. She said she was unsure at the time and she didn't even know if she loved him the day they got married. 48 years strong. And it would have continued if God didn't want him so early. 

I miss him so much. he did so much for us. And I talk to him everyday, I know he is living lavishly up there :) and i bet everything is clean for his clean freak self. lol. xo.

Then we went to the mall anddd she spoiled me. She got me a $165 ring. Its absolutely gorgeous. And then we got home and looked at all her old jewelry and she pulled out my Papas moms diamond ring and said I think you should wear this. I was flattered and euphoric! Its darling. And to know its been passed on for 70 years makes it so entirely special. I love it. Okay well I'm going to bedddd. I'll bbk.